I hate your face
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
