doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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