so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
