Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize