Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
