True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
