Pappa wants mamma naked
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I skipped work to stalk him.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
