Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
