things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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