Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
