I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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