and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
