I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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