When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
