i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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