I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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