Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
