omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
