I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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