Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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