Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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