I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
