I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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