she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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