i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
