i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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