i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize