Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
