Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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