1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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