before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
