put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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