Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
