and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
