Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
