Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
