No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
