I want to make a zoo with you.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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