she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
