I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
