I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize