FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
