stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
