Pappa wants mamma naked
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize