Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
