It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize