My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
