i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
