You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
