i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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