he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
