it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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