im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
