I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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