i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
