well I can't set my house on fire every night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
