thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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