Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
