Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize